What do you get if you give Michael Bay a reported $217 million budget? Well, you get a bit of District 9 mixed with some JJ Abrams lens flare, a lot of Star Wars and, what feels like, the longest film ever made.

I’ve decided I’m going to try and write my review in the style of Mr. Bay and his directing of this Transformers film, here goes.

We’re back in ancient Britain, the times of *EXPLOSION* knights of the round table *MEN FLYING THROUGH THE AIR*. On the *EXPLOSION* field King Arthur *CUT TO* Merlin riding a horse *CUT TO* *MEN FLYING THROUGH THE AIR* *EXPLOSION* “stupid one-liner” *EXPLOSION* Transformer.

And we’re back in America with, wait, isn’t that R2-D2? Oh no, just a blatant rip-off *EXPLOSION* men with guns, *MORE EXPLOSIONS* *CUT TO* Mark Walhberg here to save the *EXPLOSION* day.

Sloooowww-mooootttiiiooooonnn, Sir Anthony Hopkins talks about something or other, a staff? What’s that got to do with anything? *EXPLOSION* *MEN FLY THROUGH THE AIR* *A SINGLE TEAR ROLLS DOWN A CHEEK*.

Now we’re in Britain and, wait, isn’t that C-3PO? Oh, no, just a blatant rip-off, and a British accent too. *MEN FLY THROUGH AIR* sloooowww-mooootttiiiooooonnn, more explanation.

Now we’re in space. *EXPLOSION*. Now we’re in a submarine. *MEN FLY THROUGH THE AIR*. Now we’re on a spaceship but underwater. *EXPLOSION*. Now we’re in a spaceship but on Earth. Sloooowww-mooootttiiiooooonnn.

On and on and on it goes like this for, what feels like, hours and hours and hours. It’s a relentless pummelling of the brain cells. I think drinking strong larger would cause less damage.

I’m not going to write much more because, quite frankly, it’s evident no-one pays any attention what-so-ever to what any reviewer says about the Transformers films.

They are roundly panned time and time again yet consistently turn-in good performances at the box office and more than make their money back.

To some, evidently Mr. Bay and Paramount, this is enough, to me, it’s exactly the reason why people complain about the price of the cinema only to have to sit through this mess.

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